Technical Difficulties
by LittleMewLugia
Summary: Sam tries to send an image he found on the Internet to his friend, Miles. Unfortunately, Sam hits the wrong button and sends said image to everyone in his address book-including his Autobot friends.
1. Chapter 1

Technical Difficulties.

Summary: Sam tries to send an image he found on the Internet to his friend, Miles. Unfortunately, Sam hits the wrong button and sends said image to everyone in his address book-including his Autobot friends.

Rating: M due to graphic description.

Pairings: Implied RatchetxIronhide and implied ProwlxJazz, both if you blink.

Disclaimer: Transformers belongs to Hasbro and DreamWorks/Paramount, not to me.

A/N This is a request for IStalkPiccolo on the LJ community "TF2007fun",(Cyndi on ) in return for allowing me to use four screen caps to get a new, animated icon made for me. The bunny, of course, was also suggested by her. Based on a conversation we had about the shock site Goatse.cx

Technical Difficulties.

Prologue

Sam stared at the computer screen with a mixture of revulsion and horrified fascination on his face. On the screen in front of him was an image of a man, with his back to the camera, spreading his butthole open. However, it was not just _what_ he was doing, but the _extent_ to which he was stretching it: the man's stretched butthole was easily wide enough to admit a honeydew melon. Sam could see the man's rectal wall through the hole: Sam was weirded out (not to mentioned _grossed_ out) but in a fascinated sort of way.

"Oh _gross_." he whispered to himself. "This is just _revolting_!" He quickly saved the pic to his hard drive. "I have _so_ got to send Miles this if only to read his reaction!" Chuckling, and shutting off the picture, Sam composed an Email, very quickly. It contained just three words.

"Look at THIS!!"

Embedding the picture in the main Email, just below the words, Sam sent it.

The first indication that Sam had that everything had _not _gone to plan was a squeal of static from Bumblebee, in the drive below. Then, Bumblebee was, careless of prying eyes, transforming and peering in Sam's bedroom window.

"Sam? What _was_ that? What is that human _doing_? Is it some obscure mating ritual? Does _your_ waste disposal valve stretch _that_ wide?"

"Huh? Sam said. "What do you mean…." Sam's voice tailed off as brain caught up with mouth. He rushed over to his computer screen, which told him everything he wanted to know.

"Uh…can I explain later, 'Bee?" he asked. "That was meant to be sent just to Miles, but I…I goofed. Instead of sending it to just Miles, I sent it to _everybody_ in my address book by accident. That includes you…..and most of the other Autobots. That includes Optimus, Ratchet, Ironhide, Jazz, Sunstreaker, and Sideswipe." Sam groaned.

"Don't worry, Sam, at least there is one good thing. We have no femmes at our base, because aren't such images supposed to be offensive to femmes?" Bumblebee said, trying to reassure Sam

"Oh no, oh nononono_no_!" Sam said, going pale.

"It got sent to _Mikaela_ too!"


	2. Chapter 2

Technical Difficulties .

Chapter One.

**Location: Autobot base**

_**Optimus.**_

Optimus was in the middle of giving Sideswipe and Sunstreaker a stiff lecture about some of the pranks they had been playing. All three of them got a "message received" notification.

All three opened the message from Sam at the same time-Sunstreaker and Sideswipe because it was something else that they could pay attention to rather than the ticking off Optimis was giving them, Optimus, because Sam was either in a mood to send him a polite but light-hearted communication - something Optimus could usually read while still keeping his full attention on another task - or he was in serious trouble beyond Bumblebee's capability to deal with, which meant the Twin's ticking-off could wait. Optimus suspected it was the former rather than the latter, because he would have expected Bumblebee to send an urgent call as well were it the latter.

His optics widened as his CPU assimilated the image Sam had sent, and his voice, mid-sentence, went silent. The Twins, too, were startled and shocked, but looked at each other, looked at Optimus' shocked face - his mouth had actually slipped open and his optics were wide - and began to snicker……

_**Ratchet**_

Ratchet was concentrating on welding up a tear in Cliffjumper's leg when Sam's communication came through. Ratchet had never yet received anything from Sam that would disturb him unduly during surgery, or any other activity, including his 'sparring lessons' he regularly had with Ironhide. On this basis, he opened it.

"_Yeeowch!" _yelled Cliffjumper as Ratchet's hand jerked, opening up the tear instead of closing it. "What are you doing, Ratchet? Trying to kill me?"

"Sorry, Cliffjumper, I have just received what I perceive as a very disturbing image of a human doing something that looks medically inadvisable."

"Care to share? Seeing as you've just made my injury worse than it was?" Cliffjumper asked.

Ratchet considered, and wondered if Cliffjumper might have some different experiences that might explain just what was going on in the picture.

"Certainly. Perhaps you can explain what is happening in the pic? After all, I confined my search of the Internet to medical, language, and cultural issues. Maybe you have found something else to explain it?" Ratchet data burst the image.

Cliffjumper's optics opened wide, and he didn't move for about five seconds.

"No, Ratchet, I can't. I can understand why you reacted that way, however. Can you please offline me, so if any more disturbing messages come up, I won't feel their effects on you?"

Ratchet saw no harm in this, so he complied. Before he got back to work, however, he composed a reply to Sam's E-mail.

_**Ironhide.**_

Ironhide was practicing his targeting when the message came through. He opened it without thinking.

A few seconds later, a ten-foot hole was punched in the armoury wall, as Ironhide jerked in reaction to the image Sam had sent.

"_Slag_ it!" said Ironhide.

_**Jazz**_

Jazz was out on patrol with Prowl - both were in car form - when Jazz got the message. He opened it-and stalled.

"Jazz?" asked Prowl, concerned. All Prowl got from Jazz was a peal of disbelieving laughter.

"What _is_ it?" asked Prowl. He checked for the presence of humans - there were none, and their location was somewhat away from most human traffic - and transformed.

"Jazz!" he said, shaking his car-shaped Sparkmate, who was still laughing too hard to do anything else. Prowl knew though, at this point, that it was Jazz's sense of humour that had him so paralysed, not some Decepticon-induced virus, for Prowl not only new Jazz's sense of humour by now, but could feel Jazz's amusement through their bond.

"C'mon, Jazz, what's so funny? Care to share with your nearest and dearest-that **is** _me_, I hope?"

Jazz unlocked enough to databurst **This-was so funny-the first time I saw it-and it's-still funny!** Then he databurst the picture. Prowl was silent for a whole sixty seconds, then spoke.

"That is the human equivalent of a mech…right?" he asked.

"Yes!" said Jazz, still laughing.

"Then why does he resemble very much the look of a human femme who's just given birth?" Prowl asked.

His only reply was an intensification of Jazz's laughter.

_**Optimus.**_

"You two…are dismissed-_for now_!" Optimus stated to the Twins, needing time to assimilate the picture and work out what it meant. The Twins both slipped out at the given opportunity.

"We want to thank Bumblebee's fleshy pet when we get the chance." said Sunstreaker.

"_Friend_, Sunny, not _pet_, _friend_, remember, or Bumblebee will have your lugnuts for rivet-reinforcers, Sunny!" cautioned Sideswipe.

"Okay, friend, pet, _whatever_, we want to thank him for saving us from three hours of Optimus-ranting!" said Sunstreaker.

"_Friend_, Sunny, he's _intelligent_, _despite_ first impressions, and Bumbebee likes him." cautioned Sideswipe.

"I have an idea for a _better_ use of the time." smiled Sunstreaker evilly. When Sunny had _that_ look in his optics, 'Sides knew he _had_ to know what his twin was thinking.

"Oh, Sunny, do share?" asked Sideswipe.

"Thinking of how we can use it against Starscream." said Sunstreaker,

Both Twins looked at each other, and both had the same thought, at the same time, and both of them grinned.

It was a grin that did _not_ bode well for Starscream.


	3. Chapter 3

Technical Difficulties

Chapter Two

A/N if Jazz seems OOC in his Email I apologise, but I think Jazz's E-speak would be either correct, or full of that weird netspeak, which I can't write _or_ understand.

Sam, after briefly explaining the picture to the incredulous 'Bee, refreshed his inbox.

'_Crap. Oh __**crap**_He thought, as he surveyed the slew of responses to his email. He read down the list of names and subjects.

Miles: Sam, man, you are just gross!

Mikaela: Yuck, Sam, that's revolting…but I ha…

Sunny: I owe you a thank-you..and I'll be co..

Sides: You have just given me a GREAT ide..

Optimus: RE: Picture-why did you send this to..

Ratchet: Would you care to explain the releva…

Ironhide: Do not send any further such images.

Jazz: ROFL Sam, this is still funny, and Pro..

Sam groaned, clicking open Mikaela's message. _'I am dumped, I bet I am __**so**__ dumped!'_ He thought to himself. He settled himself and looked at the response.

'_Yuck, Sam, that's revolting…but I have to admit that that is also funny in a gross way. Tell you what, send it to this address, and if you don't I will because he SO deserves this! Love you, give Bee a kiss for me, Mikaela xx' _

The email address she had provided was obviously Trent's, but that was the least thing on Sam's mind. He hadn't been dumped, and that made him feel better. Mikaela's reaction was _not_ what Sam had expected, and he reflected that his comment "There's more than meets the eye with you" was truer than he could have known at the time.

Which was all very well, but he still had six Autobot messages to respond to. He chose the coward's way out, opening Jazz's next.

'_ROFL Sam, this is still funny, and Prowl is now asking some very awkward questions. Mind if I send him your way sometime?, but I want to be there to see his face when you explain exactly what that picture is to him. See ya, the Jazzman.'_

'_**Great!' **_Thought Sam sarcastically, imaging trying to explain the picture, and the Goatse website to the ultra-logical tactician, Prowl. He decided to deal with that when he got to it, and swallowed. Time to face the music. He clicked on Optimus' response.

'_Why did you send this picture to me Sam? It was quite disturbing viewing. If you could explain the purpose of the picture, and why you felt the necessity to send it to me, I would appreciate it. Yours, Optimus.'_

Sam briefly composed a reply. _'Sorry, Optimus, technical difficulties, I meant to send it to one person and sent it to everyone by mistake. Sorry. Sam.'_

Next, Sam figured he'd best deal with Ratchet's message. This was the one he was dreading, for he knew the usually cool and calm Autobot medic could be quite irascible if he thought his time was being wasted, or his willingness to help was being taken advantage of. He clicked it open.

Ratchet's message was not as bad as Sam feared it would be, but was to the point.

'_Would you care to explain the relevance of the image you just sent? Were you trying to demonstrate the flexibility of the human rectum, were you wanting to ask a question, or is this a human-style prank? Whichever it is, if you wish to send me similarly unusual/unconservative pictures, please tag them as such so that next time I open one, I am NOT in the middle of surgery, and my startled reaction does NOT make the injury worse than it was when I started! That way, I do not need to worry about what you humans would call 'questions about my professional competence!' Such niceties would be appreciated. Ratchet, Autobot medic.'_

'**Oops!' **though Sam. He composed a message, similar to that which he had sent to Optimus, with an added request to pass his apology on to whichever unfortunate mech had been under Ratchet's scalpel at the time. Then he decided to check what Ironhide had to say. It was even shorter.

'_Do not send any more such images. The Armoury roof now needs repairing, If I want to view such things, I an quite capable of accessing your internet myself.' _

The weapons specialist had not bothered signing it, but he couldn't be that badly torqued, figured Sam, or he might have made a threat to 'borrow' Sam for target practice, which although it would never be carried out, would have expressed the depths of Ironhide's anger.

Before Sam could open any more E-mails, he heard the sound of an unknown horn blast outside. He looked outside, to see two Lamborghinis, one red, one yellow, and both unnaturally shiny, blocking up the road.

Sam went out, to where the two cars.

"Sunny, Sides, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"I sent you an E-mail saying I was coming to pick you up." said Sunstreaker.

" I didn't get to open and respond to all my Emails." Sam said.

"We managed to argue Bumblebee into going with us and taking you to see the great idea we've had to do to Starscream." Sideswiwe said.

"I told them it was too dangerous." said Bumblebee.

"I told him it would be three of us to defend one little human." said Sideswipe. "Then I told him that it was surely up to you." Sideswipe then proceeded to tell Sam what they had in mind.

Sam leaned against, Sideswipe's side, doubled over with laughter.

"This I have _got_ to see!" he said, wiping his eyes. "You two are _evil_!"

"We know." said Sunstreaker slyly.

"Come on, Bumblebee, I'm sure it'll be fine." said Sam.

Bumblebee opened his door, and, still laughing, got in.


	4. Chapter 4

Technical Difficulties

Chapter Three

A/N: I actually feel sorry for Starscream in this one….

"Screamer had been flying over this area for a while." Sideswipe told Sam and Bumblebee as they hid in a copse of trees. "He should be along fairly soon. And when he does, we'll make our move."

"We won't have to jet-judo him if this works." said Sunstreaker "which means that not only is our paintwork safe, but the Hatchet can't have a go at us for jet-judo, because we can honestly say we _didn't _do any!"

Sam fidgeted: he hated waiting. Bumblebee folded back into car form to give Sam somewhere to fit, and pulled back a panel so Sam could access the Internet.. This kept Sam sufficiently occupied until Sideswipe gave him a gentle prod with the tip of one finger, then cupped his hand being his antenna.

Sam could himself hear the approaching jet. Sideswipe spread a hand, curling down one digit at a time till none were left. "Go" he whispered.

Sam could tell when Starscream, who was now visible, received the databursted image: the jet banked abruptly, and Sam could swear that the jet scream it was emitting changed to "_Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!" _The F-22 tipped sideways, tried to compensate, overcompensated, and nosedived into a nearby field. The two Lambos were already on their way, and Bumblebee started up belatedly.

When they got there, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were back in robot form, each one kneeling on one of Starscream's shoulder-wings.

"Sam, could you explain the image to Screamer, the one that we enhanced and put in high-definition just for him?" asked Sideswipe.

Sam grinned.

"Certainly. The image is of a human with an incredibly stretchy waste disposal system." Sam told the horrified Decepticon. "Not all human butt-holes are that elastic, but his is. As the website it was originally on was called Goatse, in colloquial language, you just got Goatse'd, Starscream." Sam told him.

"Megatron had it right that time, humans _are_ disgusting! That you find such a puerile display of your species' fleshy, oozing, organicness amusing, _and_ feel it acceptable to inflict it on others, is absolutely _revolting! _You will _pay_ for this, fleshling!" cried Starascream, struggling halfheartedly.

"Oh, don't blame _me_, Starscream." Sam said, putting on his best innocent look. "I only sent it to these two by accident, _they_ are the ones who decided to share it with you."

"We've got the other Decepticon's communications codes out of your communications module too. I've sent it to all of them as well, so you'll have plenty of people around you who will agree with you when you get back." Sunstreaker said.

"_Ewwwwwww! _You're as disgusting as your filthy little pet, Autobots!" yelled Starscream, lashing out and back at Sunstreaker with a hand. Sunstreaker dodged the clawed appendage-but not quickly enough. Sam cringed and stuck his fingers in his ears as a sound like a fingernail being dragged down a blackboard sounded. When he looked up again, Sunstreaker was staring in barely-concealed fury at a long, deep scratch down one leg.

"You damaged my paintwork, Screamer. My beautiful paintwork!" said Sunstreaker in a low, quiet voice that Sam recognised as the angriest voice he had _ever _heard Sunstreaker use. "You will _pay_ for that! Sides, hold him down!" said Sunstreaker. As Sideswipe lay across Starscream's wings to keep him grounded, Sunstreaker crawled purposefully down Starscream's body.

"Goatse, huh?" he asked "Let's see if you're the Cybertronian equivalent, shall we, Screamer? Let's see how far _your_ exhaust pipes will stretch!" Sunstreaker gave a grin of pure evil as Starscream began to beg to be released, to say he was sorry, that they could do whatever they wanted to, anything but _that_.

"Uh, 'Bee, let's go." said Sam. "I don't think I want to _know_."

"Neither do _I_!" said Bumblebee, starting his engine and heading off to take Sam back home.

They could still hear Starscream's cries five minutes later.


End file.
